None of them remember you, so probably not. [Although, even as he says it, Komaeda pauses. The feelings Junko is giving him, everything he'd learned from the Future Foundation's file about Ultimate Despair and his classmates...a number of things coalesce all at once in his mind, and he smiles.] Ah, well...I think Mikan did remember you for a little while. And she did die, so maybe she's here somewhere.
[Although thinking of Mikan right now...he kind of wishes he hadn't. Knowing what he knows about himself, about Ultimate Despair, about what Mikan was when she'd said the words, puts it all in context and lays bare the motives...but the words still echo in his head, even if he knows their agenda. You don't understand? Is it because you don't have anyone to love? Is it because you're also someone who isn't accepted by anyone?
Mikan knew. She had her memories - of Junko, of their all being Ultimate Despair together, of Komaeda's psychological weaknesses and his distance from their classmates. She knew that he'd been Ultimate Despair once, and could become so again. Maybe she hadn't had Junko's crushing, persuasive despair to back her words, but she'd still been trying to remind him of his own despair - and play off of his desire to be accepted and valued the way Mikan apparently was by her beloved.
Knowing all that, though...it's perfectly obvious to Komaeda, now, who Mikan's beloved was. And what Junko is doing now - it's far more sophisticated and persuasive than Mikan's tactics, but it's to the exact same end. You're my favorite. Junko accepts him, likes him, actually favors trash such as himself. If she doesn't know about Jabberwock Island, then she accepts him even though he's never done anything worthwhile, even though he's a walking disaster in every possible sense. If she does know - because already the doubt is creeping in, the doubt that he could possibly have any position of superiority over her - then she accepts him even though he's attempted to undo her work and kill her followers.
Oh, yes, Mikan's obsession makes so much sense when one mentally slots Junko into the picture.
Still, Komaeda knows what he's dealing with right now. He remembers his disgust, his hatred for the very idea of Ultimate Despair, for everyone who'd call themselves that. That feeling hasn't actually gone anywhere, even if it's having a hard time reconciling himself with his excitement at such a magnificent Ultimate skill, combined with being acknowledged favorably by them. But that doesn't mean he wants to be Ultimate Despair again. He doesn't want to be part of them. He doesn't remember precisely what turned him into Ultimate Despair the first time - he'd read the details, certainly, but reading isn't the same as experiencing, and his real memories haven't returned. So he's not Ultimate Despair as he stands now, and he wants to keep it that way.
He can imagine some of his logic for it, however. He is, after all, still himself. He knows that nothing but the Ultimate Despair could create the Ultimate Hope, and being able to see that hope would be enough to justify his entire worthless existence. If he could help create it, that would be even more incredible; he'd happily give his life for that. Helping Ultimate Despair could be interpreted as contributing to the rise of Ultimate Hope...which is a decently compelling argument, even now. But Komaeda's still not sure why he'd joined - so long as Ultimate Despair exists, they'd bring about Ultimate Hope on their own. He doesn't need to contribute - in fact, he's not even sure why his contributions would be valued or necessary.
All he can assume is that he'd just been...that full of despair himself. That he'd been that achingly, hopelessly desperate to give meaning to his existence by helping to bring about the Ultimate Hope that would rise to destroy them all. Chiaki's death had apparently been the push he'd needed to give in to that. And it's not too hard to imagine that for himself. How much different is it, really, from his suicide in the name of trying to eliminate the members of Ultimate Despair? Had that been hope, or had it been despair? Especially considering he's still not sure if he wants his plan to have succeeded, or for his friends to have foiled it?
It's beginning to dawn on Komaeda, dimly, just how little persuasion he'd need to give into despair, even if it was in the name of pursuing hope. He's honestly not sure where the line between aiding despair and chasing hope is anymore, or what side of it he's standing on.
What an overwhelming talent Ultimate Despair is. Junko's ripping his mind apart from the inside out and he's fully aware that she's barely even trying. There's a feverish quality to Komaeda's smile as he looks down at her.]
I don't remember anything, either. The things I know, I only know because of the Future Foundation file Monokuma gave me. I don't actually have the memories, though.
[Komaeda toys with the possibility of killing Junko. It would be nice to imagine that killing her would resolve the conflict in him. But he's not quite that delusional. And, besides that, she's obviously a god like he is. Even if they were both human, he's weak and sickly and worthless, hardly someone who could successfully kill an Ultimate whose skills are as all-encompassing as Junko's. An Ultimate who's also a goddess...he couldn't even if he wanted to. And it wouldn't help anything.
Honestly, if someone like him could kill someone like Junko...that couldn't even be called Ultimate Hope. He'd just catch her Ultimate Despair from her, at having destroyed something so incredible as someone so unworthy.
He idly wonders just how much of the chaos inside his head Junko can see, and how much she's enjoying the view. His (her? It's confusing) hand squeezes hers back, and he's not sure if he consciously dictated that or if her hand attached to his arm is just happy to be reunited with its proper owner.]
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[Although thinking of Mikan right now...he kind of wishes he hadn't. Knowing what he knows about himself, about Ultimate Despair, about what Mikan was when she'd said the words, puts it all in context and lays bare the motives...but the words still echo in his head, even if he knows their agenda. You don't understand? Is it because you don't have anyone to love? Is it because you're also someone who isn't accepted by anyone?
Mikan knew. She had her memories - of Junko, of their all being Ultimate Despair together, of Komaeda's psychological weaknesses and his distance from their classmates. She knew that he'd been Ultimate Despair once, and could become so again. Maybe she hadn't had Junko's crushing, persuasive despair to back her words, but she'd still been trying to remind him of his own despair - and play off of his desire to be accepted and valued the way Mikan apparently was by her beloved.
Knowing all that, though...it's perfectly obvious to Komaeda, now, who Mikan's beloved was. And what Junko is doing now - it's far more sophisticated and persuasive than Mikan's tactics, but it's to the exact same end. You're my favorite. Junko accepts him, likes him, actually favors trash such as himself. If she doesn't know about Jabberwock Island, then she accepts him even though he's never done anything worthwhile, even though he's a walking disaster in every possible sense. If she does know - because already the doubt is creeping in, the doubt that he could possibly have any position of superiority over her - then she accepts him even though he's attempted to undo her work and kill her followers.
Oh, yes, Mikan's obsession makes so much sense when one mentally slots Junko into the picture.
Still, Komaeda knows what he's dealing with right now. He remembers his disgust, his hatred for the very idea of Ultimate Despair, for everyone who'd call themselves that. That feeling hasn't actually gone anywhere, even if it's having a hard time reconciling himself with his excitement at such a magnificent Ultimate skill, combined with being acknowledged favorably by them. But that doesn't mean he wants to be Ultimate Despair again. He doesn't want to be part of them. He doesn't remember precisely what turned him into Ultimate Despair the first time - he'd read the details, certainly, but reading isn't the same as experiencing, and his real memories haven't returned. So he's not Ultimate Despair as he stands now, and he wants to keep it that way.
He can imagine some of his logic for it, however. He is, after all, still himself. He knows that nothing but the Ultimate Despair could create the Ultimate Hope, and being able to see that hope would be enough to justify his entire worthless existence. If he could help create it, that would be even more incredible; he'd happily give his life for that. Helping Ultimate Despair could be interpreted as contributing to the rise of Ultimate Hope...which is a decently compelling argument, even now. But Komaeda's still not sure why he'd joined - so long as Ultimate Despair exists, they'd bring about Ultimate Hope on their own. He doesn't need to contribute - in fact, he's not even sure why his contributions would be valued or necessary.
All he can assume is that he'd just been...that full of despair himself. That he'd been that achingly, hopelessly desperate to give meaning to his existence by helping to bring about the Ultimate Hope that would rise to destroy them all. Chiaki's death had apparently been the push he'd needed to give in to that. And it's not too hard to imagine that for himself. How much different is it, really, from his suicide in the name of trying to eliminate the members of Ultimate Despair? Had that been hope, or had it been despair? Especially considering he's still not sure if he wants his plan to have succeeded, or for his friends to have foiled it?
It's beginning to dawn on Komaeda, dimly, just how little persuasion he'd need to give into despair, even if it was in the name of pursuing hope. He's honestly not sure where the line between aiding despair and chasing hope is anymore, or what side of it he's standing on.
What an overwhelming talent Ultimate Despair is. Junko's ripping his mind apart from the inside out and he's fully aware that she's barely even trying. There's a feverish quality to Komaeda's smile as he looks down at her.]
I don't remember anything, either. The things I know, I only know because of the Future Foundation file Monokuma gave me. I don't actually have the memories, though.
[Komaeda toys with the possibility of killing Junko. It would be nice to imagine that killing her would resolve the conflict in him. But he's not quite that delusional. And, besides that, she's obviously a god like he is. Even if they were both human, he's weak and sickly and worthless, hardly someone who could successfully kill an Ultimate whose skills are as all-encompassing as Junko's. An Ultimate who's also a goddess...he couldn't even if he wanted to. And it wouldn't help anything.
Honestly, if someone like him could kill someone like Junko...that couldn't even be called Ultimate Hope. He'd just catch her Ultimate Despair from her, at having destroyed something so incredible as someone so unworthy.
He idly wonders just how much of the chaos inside his head Junko can see, and how much she's enjoying the view. His (her? It's confusing) hand squeezes hers back, and he's not sure if he consciously dictated that or if her hand attached to his arm is just happy to be reunited with its proper owner.]